in these quiet spaces

There are words I wish I didn't hear myself saying to them quite so often.

Maybe later, we'll see, just wait, I am busy, I am busy, I am busy...

In other words, I don't have time for you right now.

I am having my coffee, I am buried in laundry, I am reading this email, I am cooking dinner, I am editing this photo, I am cleaning up this mess, I am, I need, I want...

In other words, my comfort is more important to me right now.

But I need to let it go. I need to let go of so many things so many times so many days. And just when I think I've let go of all I can, there is more there is more there is always more letting go.

There are little things (clean the kitchen now or let it wait while we take that walk, answer those questions, play that game..?) and there are big (buy for us what we want or fill boxes with things others need?) But whether the moment seems big or little, my actions are speaking loud. My choices are being watched. They don't notice the dirty floor but they notice the tone in my voice. My ways in so many ways will become theirs.

In other words, shouldn't I be more worried about the characters I am shaping than the house I am keeping?

I have to let go of my selfish desires because the day is coming fast when I will have to let go of them. My example will be long-set in stone as they set out in the world to make their own choices. Will they go as servants? Will they give until it hurts? Will they follow the God who made them and has a perfect plan for them? Will they love?

Did I?

Oswald Chambers wrote, "The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says. But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to be profoundly changed."

But where my spirit is willing, my flesh is weak. Day by day, hour by hour I choose- Whom will I serve? What will I worship? How will I live? And I find control of me isn't mine to hold.

In other words, I am letting go. I am listening.